Here Goes Nothing...

Life.

It sucks.

For the last week or more I've been super depressed. I mean, I pretty much feel like things suck all the time anyway, but the last few weeks I've barely been able to function. I go to work. I fake a smile. I help everyone with all of their problems.

Secretly inside I've got my own shitshow of problems that I can't get a grip on.

I made a post on facebook the other day about how I was super depressed. That I was barely functional. Lots of people reached out and offered their advice/support/ideas. Some said I need medicine, some said I need counseling, some said suck it up buttercup, some said journal your thoughts and feelings.

One said, "Stop for a minute and talk to me." That was the best advice.

That's when I could stop hiding behind all the other "stuff" that I do to keep myself busy so that I don't have to think about all of my problems and just let it all out for a minute. That's what I needed. There was relief in those few moments. There were tears. There was a burden that I was able to let go of.

I don't let myself be weak. I don't let myself feel sad. I don't let myself slip up. I don't let myself share what's deep inside me. People wouldn't believe it if I did. I know that everyone has skeletons in their closets. But I feel like mine are the worst ones. I don't want people to know what I'm covering up.

But, it's eating away at my insides. When my life started falling apart 7 years ago I decided that I'd start all over and that no one would ever know. That's what I've done. But the years of covering it up and keeping it in are breaking me.

I want to be happy again. I want to be in love again. I want to feel carefree and cared for. I want so much more out of this life than what it's given me.

I know I have it better than so many. I have no right to complain.

There we go... let's add some guilt onto the anxiety and depression... that'll help.

I'm a hard worker and a strong woman. I've been through a lot and I've come out on top. I've survived stuff that would totally break others. But, even the strong can only be strong for so long.

I'm going to start blogging my thoughts and feelings. Probably no one will ever read this. I'm ok with that. Maybe someday I'll turn it into a best selling novel and retire. HA! I'd be ok with that too since this year I'm really struggling to like the work I do because I actually kinda hate it if I'm being honest.

Some of these posts will be flashbacks. Some will be current. Some will be funny. Some will be sad. Some will be laced with the foulest language you can imagine and some will be filled with prayers.

I'm complicated like that.

Here goes nothing...